Saturday, September 15, 2012

Big Girl Panties

Today is my birthday. It started with me waking from a terrifying nightmare... then I spent half an hour, or so, sitting on the floor of the shower and crying. I cried because a bunch of people can't come to my party. Well, not because they can't come, but because of the reasons they can't come - and that there is nothing I can do to help them. I cried because I miss my kids and I feel useless as a mom. I cried because I am 43 years old and still feel like I am under the control of some other people. I cried because I feel like one of the kids in "Half Magic" where they find a coin that grants their every wish... but only HALF. I cried because I still feel like I exist in an alternate reality and the things I see and experience are not what others see and experience. "Stuff" just feels so overwhelming.

I usually pull myself out of these strange funks when I notice I am composing blog posts in my head. No, I never actually post any of those "posts". (I really don't want to get sued!!) But then I found my "advice" moving towards "big girl panties". This, of course, refers to acting mature and responsible and doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is.

I have always found that phrase a little offensive and only use it with sarcasm. Big girl panties sound like those awful things one wears when pregnant. Uncomfortable, ugly, white, itchy, with seams... I can't think of a single thing that is positive about them! Why can't big girl panties, be lacy, colorful, or at the very least, stretchy? I have a feeling that big girl panties were designed by men. I have been wearing them for the past year or two and can't honestly say they have helped in any way. They chafe and I am sick of them!! Today is my birthday and I'll whine if I want to!!

So I pulled my wrinkled self out of the shower and determined I would blog about panties rather than the stuff I would get in trouble for saying out loud. But as a compromise, no big girl panties today... I will wear my TIARA!!


When I came downstairs, there was a message waiting for me on my answering machine that changed my mood considerably. I couldn't figure out a way to add an audio file to this blog, so I put it on my website, here: http://www.sandysteenbartholomew.com/audio/  if you are curious. :-)

I typed this entire post wearing my tiara. Not only do I feel a hundred times better now - thank you for listening to my mini-venting - but I now know HOW to deal with audio files and websites. I may be older, but I am smarter.

I will now go do my chores and allow myself to indulge in my birthday. I will be grateful for whoever shows up this evening and I won't worry about everyone's problems (at least I will TRY not to). If anyone else wants to come and play this evening, you are very welcome. 5:30 at The Studio Formerly Known as Wingdoodle. (Maybe, that's what I should actually call it? Or TSFKW for short?

34 comments:

  1. Well, Happy Birthday!!!! Keep wearing the tiara! It suits you well! It seems that we all get those moments of angst when our birthdays approach. I'll be 60 (Yikes, that's the first time I've said that...)in a few weeks. And even though I'm not looking forward to that number, I'm trying to look forward to improving myself and aging gracefully. Enjoy your day!!! Cynthia

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  2. Looking so fabulous on your birthday lovely Sandy! Wishing you a day that's every bit as special as you are honey. You bring such joy and inspiration to so many (and some of us so far away). Have a day where you do everything YOU want. Big love and hugs from Yvonne C in Edinburgh xxxxx

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  3. Happy Birthday Sandy! I'm sorry your day started out with sadness but I hope the rest of your day is awesome! I think most of us feel that we seem to live in another dimension sometimes. You're not alone. *HUGS*
    Love the tiara!!!!

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  4. Happy Birthday Sandy!

    I am learning to have a very different kind of birthday as well. It takes time.

    Have a happy day!

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  5. Happy Birthday, Sandy! When you're feeling down, I want you to remember all the lives you've touched through your posts and your marvelous instructional books. I just posted some Zentangle pieces On my blog by my GT students that were inspired by your children's book. They love your work as much as I do, so you've truly earned the right to wear that tiara. Blessings!

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  6. HBTY. HBTY!
    HBDSaandyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
    HBTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    And many more. Happy ones, not panties-in-a-bunch birthdays. 'Cause I don't want you to forget that figure of speech, too. BGPs are especially uncomportable when they bunch up on you. But when they do, only YOU can fix them. We always hope that if we have a wedgie, we'll be able to "fix" it in private. But for some reason I have to admire little kids who just take care of it whereever, whenever just because it needs taking care of. They fix what's causing discomfort go on happily with life. I wish all of life's discomforts were that simple.
    I think of those moments when we get overwhelmed by the convergence of circumstances to be emotional wedgies. Crying helps.
    Enough about BGPs and bunching...
    I wish you a soothing, comfortable, lacy, colorful, stretchy (so it can last for days...) celebration of your birthday. You are special, you have a gift (many gifts!) that you are willing to share, and you are admired and appreciated and cherished by more people than you will ever know...people you know by name, people whom you will never meet, people who are close to you for a lifetime, people who will get to feel close to you for an hour or two or a weekend because they are fortunate enough to take a class or attend a retreat with you.
    There's so much more I could write, but you need to get on with celebrating. I wish I could join you! I wil be there in spirit, as I am sure many others will, too.

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  7. Sandy! Still crying over birthdays?? Honey your 43 most people don't even celebrate anymore at that age! So look what ever you manage to scrap together will be wonderful! Chin up! Hugs! deb

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    1. NonoNO! Not crying over having a birthday!! I feel very lucky to BE 43. My expiration date had been set at age 25, so I make a point of always celebrating each birthday. :-)

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  8. Happy Birthday! I know what you mean about big girl panties. I have to endure them every time my husband deploys. They suck! I have a tiara too. I weat it when I vacuum. Every woman should feel like a Queen once in a while. I hope that you had your best birthday ever!

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  9. Happy Birthday to you!! When I first read your blog...I thought..well, boohoo!! Then my second thought was....how brave of you to really express yourself!! I really admire that..and you and your incredible talent!! So much of the time, I am busy hiding my feelings...trying to not let anyone in..to know how I really feel about everything..so it is very refreshing to read words that express what I have felt at times also...but seldom do put into words....so forgive my "boohoo" thoughts and know that I really appreciate your candor!!! Keep up the fabulous work with your talents!!

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  10. That is the most awesome photo I've ever seen of you - absolutely fantastic! Good job pulling yourself together. I hope the art party was a hoot, and many tiaras were present?

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    1. My darling sister gave me that tiara!! I was rather shocked to learn that other women do NOT own tiaras. It should be mandatory... or awarded at a certain age? Jacqui had a Barbie tiara - it was quite nice, with some pink "stones".

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    2. Will tiaras be mandatory at the Untanged retreat in November ..?

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  11. Certainly the message from your daughter had to make your head swim with emotion (it certainly did mine!). Anyone who is so obviously loved by a child is a blessing in the world and should enjoy every moment. Enjoy yourself. You DO deserve happiness.


    Happy Birthday, Sandy; and many, many more.

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  12. Thanks everyone!! It ended up being a WONDERFUL birthday. The cake was made by Jodi's friend and it had glittery frosting (?!) and tasted delicious. There were candy apples and lots of wine and humongous grapes and a bunch of people came who I hadn't thought could make it and we laughed hysterically, ranted over mean people, painted things, and planned MORE art parties... I'll post pics when I find out who took some. :-)

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  13. Oh - and I let my daughter "sing" me happy birthday (from the message machine). It was almost like having her there, but not as messy. :-)

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  14. Happy Birthday! May the upcoming year bring you much health, happiness, and peace of mind. Big Girl panties can be floral, lacy, striped, polka-dotted, and most definitely sexy! Take it from me, I'm 60! (and I have no idea how the number got so big-- I still feel 7!) Anyway, enjoy. And please, don't ever lose that tiara. It's glorious!

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  15. Hi Sandy! Now that I am a CZT, I feel like we're kind of related. hehehe I'm sorry about your blues, but thrilled that you decided to skip the BGP's for the tiara. Those BGP's really suck. (psst, I hate that word, but that's really how I feel.) Anyhow, I'm sorry not everyone you loved could be at your party. I wish I could be there too! Happy happy birthday. Remember, "This too, shall pass."

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  16. You look lovely in your tiara! You want to talk funk? I wish I had just a tiny bit of everyone's talent. I feel so untalented whenever I look at the beautiful, zentabulous work that in all over the internet and I wonder why I can't find the time OR the gumption to get down to brass tacks and do the job. My time management skills stink, I procrastinate, my office is a mess, and I have to go to a J.O.B. every day knowing that I will probably never be able to retire! Okay, so I've done my venting :) I feel better. Now off to frame 5 zentangles that MUST BE DONE because I'm hanging my work at a Home Decor consignment store in 2 weeks that's hosting my work with an evening of hors d'ouerves. You are Zentabulous personified, Sandy! Love you!!!

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    Replies
    1. It's not a "JOB" - think of it as an "interactive business loan". :-) And congrats on the show! That is very cool!

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  17. Happy Birthday Sandy! Your strength is an inspiration to me. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal. Much love and many hugs. xoxo

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  18. Hi, Sandy, a bit belated, but "Happy Birthday!"
    BTW: In our family "big girl panties" actually refers to those cute little "fancy pants" that toddler little girls wear with lots of ruffles on the butt! When my eldest daughter was "Potty training" my sweet mother-in-law, went shopping and sent us a big package with lots of those fancy panties! We started calling them "Big Girl Panties" and Kathy loved being a big girl who did not have to wear diapers! LOL! 48 years later...we still love fancy pants in our family. SOOOOO ...go out and buy some marvelous silly panties and enjoy! My "big girl" just borrowed my copy of Totally Tangled to play with! You have touched all our lives and we love you! Your Lilah is a treasure! Huge hugs!
    Elsie

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    1. That is true... my kid is 5 and the toilet training (which seemed so endless at the time) feels so long ago! Her big girl panties had Disny Princesses and Hello Kitty. :-)

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  19. oh, sandy, i'm sad i missed your birthday yesterday - i should have noticed on facebook - i think? HaPpY BiRtHdAy!!!! your tiara is lovely and you look smashing wearing it :) i remember some posts from earlier in the year explaining your life and some changes you were going through. hang in there and make it through one day at a time. then you move on to the next day and try to put yesterday's problems behind you, but carry with you the good things, the good memories, the things that worked, those hugs and kisses from your little guys - that's what life is really about anyway. that and . . . . 42 :)
    (are you a hitchhiker's guide fan?)

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  20. I'm gonna get me one of them there teearas!, Seriously, glad you had a great day. After my meltdown at 50 I try to ignore the day. Maybe you'll do the same when you're actually old...


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  21. Happy birthday, Sandi. I'm glad you chose to wear your tiara instead of "big girl panties." I, too, HATE that phrase. The tiara is much more becoming and much more adult. Last Thanksgiving I celebrated my 70th birthday alone with my new iPad. This year I think I will wear a tiara. Who knows what will happen? Maybe the cats will dance for me before I cut the cake.
    Dianne

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  22. Happy Birthday (even though I'm late). I live in Florida, but I used to come to Wingdoodle (and spend lots of money) when we visited relatives (and stayed at Tucker Pond for a week or two)in the summer, and was sorry to hear it's closed. We haven't been there in a few years.

    I bought myself a Tiara when I turned 50 and I wear it quite often. I get some strange looks, but it's their problem, not mine, and I love how it makes me feel to wear it.

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  23. I don't mind late birthday wishes! I still have a few more days of my birthday week. And I haven't celebrated with my kids yet. They are with their dad until Wed. And they had better have bought me presents this year!! ;-D

    As for tiaras... I am looking into buying them to sell to my future customers!!

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  24. Happy Birthday, my dear friend. You are one of the most amazingly alive persons I have ever "met". If I were ever to host a gathering of the most creative women on earth, you would be there with bells on (and a tiara if you wish).

    I HATE the "big girl panties" term - love the tiara.

    It isn't always fair, girlfriend, but it's all good in the long run.

    Hugs,
    j

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  25. Happy belated birthday to you. I'm glad it ended out turning out OK. It absolutely SUCKS that you couldn't be with your little one on your birthday. I hope you had a second party when you were reunited. The more parties, the merrier. Wish I lived closer. I would have come to your party :-)

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